Do obituaries hold meaning for you? According to Mary McGreevy, they’ve traditionally been boring, often reading like résumés.
McGreevy, who hosts a TikTok page called "Tips from Dead People," reads obituaries submitted to her. I stumbled upon Mary’s page one day while scrolling and have been inspired ever since.
Some of Mary’s key suggestions when crafting an obituary:
What did that person love or hate?
What really ticked them off?
What surprising things happened in their life?
Of course, we can and should include the basic information:
Announcing the death – Include birth and death dates and use the language that you (and others involved in writing the obituary) are most comfortable with. If euphemisms like “he went to be with his Lord” don’t feel right, don’t use them.
Biography – This is the longest and most personal part. Here, we can summarize meaningful events, qualities, contributions, and important connections. It’s a place to celebrate significant milestones and achievements.
Surviving family
Funeral/Celebration of Life Information
Special messages
Writing an obituary for someone else might be easier than writing your own, however, a growing number of people are now doing just that—crafting their own as a legacy gift for their loved ones.
I've challenged myself to write my own and have realized the importance of being mindful of what to include and what I might overlook. Will I hesitate to highlight my accomplishments? After all, that’s a significant part of the biographical section of an obituary. Perhaps I should simply take comfort in knowing that others who speak about me will ensure my achievements and history are acknowledged.
Legacy.com, offers the following significant tips when writing your own:
Choose a tone – let your personality shine through. Be grateful, encouraging, inspiring, and educational.
Set aside personal grievances.
Decide on first or third-person storytelling
Leave politics at the door.
Do not reveal family secrets.
Do not create a list of people you appreciated—you’re bound to forget someone.
Obituaries are our final story.
A new trend is emerging where obituaries serve as a platform for one last laugh. It’s possible to inject humor while still honoring the tradition of acknowledging significant accomplishments and family history.
When the famous pass away, we engage in shared grief, learning about their families, where they lived, and what illness or accident claimed their lives. Communities come together to share their admiration and stories about their connection to the deceased. Social media is flooded with R.I.Ps and remembrances.
As someone who works in the “death field” as a Critical Illness/End of Life Doula, I encourage people to consider their obituary. It’s interesting that some individuals view writing their own obituary as too vain, while others think it “just doesn’t matter” what it says, since they’re no longer around.
“The vivid obit is a triumph, not to be taken for granted; and sometimes, impossible to write.”— Marilyn Johnson, The Dead Beat: Lost Souls, Lucky Stiffs, and the Perverse Pleasures of Obituaries (2006)
Are you up for the challenge? How do the following examples make you feel? Do they inspire you to consider writing your own obituary, or perhaps motivate you for the time when you may need to write one for a loved one?
Excerpts from a self-written obit - Emily:
It pains me to admit it, but apparently, I have passed away …
So many things in my life seemed of little significance at the time they happened but then took on a greater importance as I got older. The memories I’m taking with me now are so precious and have more value than all the gold and silver in my jewelry box.
Memories … where do I begin?
I’ve been a devoted daughter, an energetic teenager, a graduate (summa cum laude), a loving wife, a comforting mother, a dedicated teacher, a true and loyal friend, and a spoiling grandmother. And if you don’t believe it, just ask me. Oh wait, I’m afraid it’s too late for questions. Sorry.
So … I was born; I blinked; and it was over.
No buildings named after me; no monuments erected in my honor. But I DID have the chance to know and love each friend as well as all my family members. How much more blessed can a person be?
So, in the end, remember… do your best, follow your arrow, and make something amazing out of your life. Oh, and never stop smiling.
If you want to, you can look for me in the evening sunset or with the earliest spring daffodils or amongst the flitting and fluttering butterflies. You know I’ll be there in one form or another.
Of course, that will probably comfort some while antagonizing others, but you know me… it’s what I do.
I’ll leave you with this…please don’t cry because I’m gone; instead, be happy that I was here. (Or maybe you can cry a little bit. After all, I have passed away).
Today I am happy, and I am dancing. Probably naked.
Love you forever.”
Sandy and his mother's obituary …
Mary “Pat” Stocks passed away peacefully in her sleep on July 1, 2015, at the young age of 94 years.
According to her obituary published in Toronto Star, cause of death was believed to be “from carrying her oxygen tank up the long flight of stairs to her bedroom that made her heart give out.”
Written by her son, Sandy, the obituary starts off sounding more like a pawn shop ad than an obituary.
He wrote “she left behind a hell of a lot of stuff” for her daughter and sons who have no idea what to do with it.”
He then rhymes off a list instructing anyone looking for “2 extremely large TVs from the 90s,” “a large ceramic stork (we think) umbrella/cane stand,” “a (slightly used) toaster oven,” or “100 tools that we aren’t sure what they’re used for” to “wait the appropriate amount of time and get in touch.” He then adds, “tomorrow would be fine.”
The obituary is full of humorous anecdotes about his mom, from jokes about her potty mouth, to her questionable skills in the kitchen, as well as her knack for telling it like it is.
He wrote, “She liked you or she didn’t, it was black or white. As her children we are still trying to figure out which one it was for us (we know she loved us).”
When asked what his mother would have thought about the obituary, Sandy told Toronto Star, “She probably would have laughed her head off … there’s no doubt about that,” he said.
He also added that if he could tell his mom anything now, he would say, “I know you wanted everything private, but sorry, Mom, I wanted you to be recognized for what you were because you were great.”
I know I am so inspired by the stories(obituaries) I read about people, just as I am inspired when wandering through a cemetery reading headstone inscriptions.
An exercise to help you write your obituary
Start by writing your name the way you’d like it to look on your headstone., even if you are not going to have a headstone.
In one line, how did you make the world a better place? Be concise. The more focused, the more honest you’ll be with yourself.
Write down how people will remember you. Avoid pompous language. Stick to the tone and words that regular people would use — especially those who know you well. The why is essential (once again, you don’t need the full laundry list).
This part requires more introspection. Look at yourself in the mirror and answer this unfiltered: “who was the real you?” Not your masks or costumes, not your job or titles or roles. What was your essence? What made you unique?
Saying ‘yes’ is easy. What we say ‘no’ to defines who we really are. Which was in your case? What are the ‘temptations,’ distractions, or possibilities that you said ‘no’ to because they would derail you from achieving your goals?
Who will miss you the most? This seems easy, but it’s not. The answer is not about what you wish but trying to understand who will really miss you. A lot of people will for sure. But who were those people to whom you meant something special? Once again, avoid judging yourself. Being honest is what makes this exercise meaningful.
Now it’s time to be creative. The previous steps provided the background; now it’s time to bring your epitaph to life. Write down in one or two paragraphs the words that you would love someone to say about you once you departed. This is the most critical part of the exercise. Connect with your true essence, not your vanity. (Razzetti, 2024)
Whether you're writing your own obituary or one for someone else, I leave you with this thought from Mary McGreevy: "Why wouldn’t we want to dig into the delicious, crunchy details of a person’s life? Why settle for cream of wheat?"
I wholeheartedly agree with Mary.
A gentle reminder: the end of life deserves as much beauty, care and respect as the beginning.
Happy Writing ~
You can find Mary McGreevy on TikTok and Instagram - @ TipsfromDeadPeople
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